Wednesday, August 4, 2010

In the Beginning....

1  In the beginning Cami created baked treats that were tasty and fattening, and behold they were good.

2  And the Mom and Dad were without form, and a little squishy; and a double chin was upon the face of the man. And the bars of chocolate and cookies moved quickly off the plates of the house.

3  And Lara said, Let us be light: and throw away the sweets.

4  And Lara saw the new ab definition, that it was good;

5  And Lara called the lightness Glen and the fatness she called past.  And the morning was shredded wheat and the evening spinach smoothies.

6  And Lara said, Let there be a permanent change in the midst of the family, and let us keep the squishiness far from belly of the man. 

7  And then the evening and the morning came of the day of the Fathers.
8  And in the days of old the children of the man would made one great sign; a sign so great that behold it was filled with bars of chocolate and nuts, and the sign would spell a message to the man that would bring a smile to all who beheld it; yea, we ate much chocolate also.

9  And Lara said traditions are good, but, yea, what about Glen’s hot bod?  Behold my children, it is forbidden to fill a note with the syrup of corn or the canes of sugar.   

10  And the evening and the morning brought much weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth among the children of the man; behold, they said, what about our tradition?  Yea, it isn’t fair. 

11  And Mom said, Let us not be as great whales, and other large creatures.  Yea, Let the children bring forth abundantly the healthy foods that hath life, and keep the tradition, but not with butterfingers and snickers, but with Cheerios and chapstick;  

12  And Dad snickered a little, but praised them, saying, Behold, I am full with fruit, and behold my cup overfloweth with Goldfish crackers and dried fruits.  Behold, I share my bounty. 

13  And, the children of the man were filled with happiness and with the M&M’s from the man's trail mix. Yea, their joy was full. 
14. Lara beheld their joy and the joy of the man and thought that it was good.  

15.  Then  three and forty days had passed and Lara saw the sign, that it was no longer great; that it had become an unsightly beast in the bedroom of the man. 

16.  Whereas in days of old, the fruits of the board were consumed with much flourish, but behold this board was as a leprous limb fallen off to defile the corner; discarded and forgotten and causing the woman much travail.    

17.  And Lara commanded,  saying, Thou shalt rid thyself of this object of uncleanness.  Yea, two days hence thou shalt take it to the borders of the yard and toss it into the depths of the container of filthiness where much stink doth defile our noses.

18.  The children of the man rose their voices in a chorus of great contention; fighting mightily over ownership of the box of juice.  Behold great lamentations arose and the woman rose her voice in yelling and righteous swearing and behold the contention ceased. 

18.  Then Lara heard the quiet and saw the empty corner, that it was clean and undefiled; and saw that their bellies were unsquishy.  

19.  And Lara smiled and said, Now it is good. 


alexandra said...

That's one of the funniest blog posts I've read in a long time. Way to keep the tradition alive!

P.S. I'm starting my own little no-sugar tradition this morning, so I consider this a pep talk post as well. Thanks!

Jocelyn Christensen said...


Clarinda said...

Lara, you are hilarious!! Awesome post.

annalisa said...

Lara how are you so creative?! I love this post!
I especially like verses 11,12,17, 18, 18, and 19 :)

Lesa said...

Love this post. Very creative! I'm going through a little sugar re-defining over on my blog.:)

Karey said...

This was a great post, Lara! "Let us be light!" Where do you come up with this stuff?!? :)

C and Co. said...


Honey Mommy said...

This post is so hilarious! I love it! "Lara called the lightness Glen and the fatness she called past." haha!

Steve-Rosanna said...

And who said that all those years of early morning seminary were wasted?

What a knack for likening the scriptures unto yourself.

Congrats to both of you, as you both look amazing and fit.

K said...

Awesome post Lara! Wish I could steal some of your creativity! Thanks for the laughs!

Jenny said...

Lara, I just love you! I love your blog! You never fail to put a smile on my face.

Deanne said...

You are too creative! Love this post!

google analytics