My Dad: Moments Not to Forget

Early in June, my Dad was placed on hospice care.

This move was emotionally wrenching and somewhat unexpected, but ultimately proved to be a blessing for my family.   The hospice company provided items that made him staying at home more comfortable than it would have been otherwise and it was a relief not have to take him back and forth to the hospital so regularly.    In addition, the nurse's and CNA's regular visits to help with his care significantly reduced the day-to-day burden of those living at my parents' house. 

In the weeks following the hospital stay when  the doctor first suggested that he be placed on hospice care, my Dad's health seemed to improve.  For the next few weeks, he had more energy and was more interactive than he'd been in a long time.   Our family gathered together for Father's Day, presented him with a booklet of memories and notes that people had sent to him, and took family pictures.   It was a tender time and we were grateful to be able to spend that time together.  

Shortly thereafter, the out-of-towners went home and our daily lives kicked into full gear.   I had YW camp and a roadtrip to Alabama with Cami that kept me busy, but I helped  my Mom research and decide on a funeral home, helped facilitate communication with my Dad's family, and helped in person as much as I possibly could.  

On Thursday, July 7th I took off with Cami and Lucie to Alabama.   These pictures were taken the morning I left and were the last pictures I have of him awake...

  Along the way, we stopped in Denver to visit Glen's family....

 

and in Oklahoma City to visit my Uncle Bobby and Aunt Mary...

  I kept in touch with my family several times a day along the way.  On Friday, the report was that he was eating better and actually keeping food down.   They were hopeful that this might help his energy level.  However, on Saturday, they reported that he had a low-grade fever and seemed fatigued. We arrived to Birmingham on Saturday night, still hopeful that the fever was a fluke and that he'd bounce back.   Then on Sunday, things started going downhill quickly.  I enjoyed being in Birmingham with Cami, Lucie, and Garrett as much as I could, but I was starting to get worried about him passing while I was away. 

On Monday, things were even worse.  He'd started experiencing some pain (something  that had been only fleeting up until that point) and the pain meds were knocking him out so much that he was barely waking at all. It was a catch-22. Every time they reduced the meds, he moaned in pain.   With the meds, he slept peacefully, but wouldn't eat or drink.  I was scheduled to come home on Tuesday anyway, but moved my ticket up a few hours to get home as soon as I could. 

I arrived to the SLC airport on Tuesday afternoon, at the same time as my sister, Kristina, arriving from California.  We rushed to see my Dad.  We were relieved to have arrived when we did, but, unfortunately, we were never able to interact with him again.   He looked like he'd aged 20 years in the four days I'd been gone and it honestly didn't even look like Dad anymore.  It was clear the end was close.  We stayed nearby him that evening and talked as a family (everyone but Pete and Matt were there).  He now required round-the-clock care with someone to shift his position, check his oxygen levels and heartrate,  and administer medications when necessary.  Kristina and I decided we'd take the next night's shift, so we headed home to get a good night's rest that night.   Neither of us slept much.

I got the phone call the next morning that he'd passed around 6:40am.  😢

Next came the real whirlwind.  I accompanied my Mom to the funeral home we'd picked out to work out all the details. I wrote the obituary (with the input of several of my siblings).  I helped my Mom dress my Dad for the casket. I created and printed the funeral programs. I wrote and delivered a talk at the funeral.   And I didn't sleep much.

  Here are some of the  moments I don't want to forget:  

• The night before his funeral, there was a gorgeous full double rainbow visible from my house and my parents' house.  It totally felt like a love note from Dad. 💗
  
  
  
  
  

• My kids were able to gather from their various locations and be present for a few hours for the funeral. Cami and Lucie flew in from Birmingham.  Spence took the day off of work and came up.  Adam took a day off from his FSY counselor job and we picked him up from Ephraim.  Ellie was a participant at FSY at BYU for the week, so we checked her out for the day and brought her home.  Emma is still home with us for another couple weeks before fall semester at BYU begins, so she was the only one who didn't have far to come. 
  
  
  

• All 18 grandkids (and Lucie) sang, "Families Can Be Together Forever" and Lucie had a huge smile and waved at people the whole way through.   She was quite the charmer and it was light-hearted levity for a serious occasion. {I really, really wish we had a picture of this}
  

• My talk was entitled, "Life Lessons I Learned from My Dad." I was the last family speaker and a lot of my content was mentioned by other people before I got to it, thus I was tasked with trying to think on my feet and embellish on what I'd written down.  Thinking on my feet is NOT my strong suit, but I think it went okay.

• Emma sang, "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing" and did an absolutely beautiful job! 

• Glen and Tom sang, "The Lord is My Shepherd."   It was a lovely arrangement and they did great!
  
  
• Cami gave the closing prayer in French.  My Dad  always loved to hear people pray in their mission languages and I think he would have LOVED it! 
  

• The funeral went longer than we expected, but it was great to hear from so many people sharing memories of him. 

• The cemetery where he was buried was literally across the street from the church where his funeral service was held. 
  
  
• I loved how the programs turned out.  I didn't think I would have the time to make them myself, but ultimately I knew I would be disappointed by anyone else making them.   It was therapeutic to step away from writing my talk and the busy-ness for a bit and use my creative side. 
  
  
• His casket was BYU blue and had BYU emblems along the side.  It was very Dad and we know he would have approved (though he was 100% in denial that he was dying until a few days before he passed). 
  
  

• My Dad served in the US Army when I was a small child and was given military honors at his burial.  Military honors meant a flag was draped over his casket that was then folded and presented to Mom; they also played Taps and did a 21-gun salute.  This was a very meaningful experience and I think it meant a lot to my Mom and all of us kids.
  
  
  
  
• Right before the military did the 21-gun salute at the burial, Isaiah (my 6-year-old nephew) asked loudly and with great concern in his voice, "Why are they going to shoot Grandpa?!"   😆
  
  

• A luncheon was held at the church after the burial.  The food was delicious and, very fittingly, they served Mountain Dew for the drinks.
  
  
  
  
• It was amazing to see so many long-lost friends and relatives in the few weeks before he passed and at the funeral.  There were some I don't think I'd seen in 30-ish years or so.  These visits lit my Dad up like a little kid and we loved seeing him joke around and reminisce with old friends.  
  Brother Charlesworth was from our ward in Minnesota...
  
  

• I've had a house full of guests (I think we were up to 18 at one point) and, though my house is a disaster, it was a delight to have so many loved ones surrounding us during this crazy time.  Our house is just starting to empty out now and it feels too quiet.  
  

• My Mom and sister have been sick.   I think they were running on adrenaline for so long and now that that's worn off, their bodies are crying out for rest. 

We've appreciated every card, every text (even if I haven't responded), every FB message, and every hug.  Thank you to so many who have extended their love to us at this time.

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Here are a few more pictures we don't want to get lost in the shuffle: 

The flowers my Mom received...

Maybe the last picture with Dad, Matt, and Pete...

Great-Uncle Nate and Lucie

Lauren, Emma, Mom, Ellie, and McKenzie

The viewing... we thought the world map hanging there was very appropriate.   

My Mom and her sisters...

Glen's brother came to the funeral and his Dad drove in from Denver for it...

I LOVE this picture of Spence and I from right after the burial...

Lucie saying goodbye to Adam for the next two years.  Adam leaves on his mission in about 3-weeks. 

Another "see you in two" picture....

Adam was only home for a few hours before he needed to get back to his FSY counselor job, but that didn't stop him from putting together some Legos with his cousin, Jesus! 

 

We love having young nieces and nephews to dote on...

 

 

 After the luncheon was over, we took Ellie back to Provo and Adam back to Ephraim. 

Emma bidding Cami and Lucie farewell before they took off back to Alabama....

Our last family pictures--taken Father's Day 2022...

Stephen Crain

1949-2022

WE MISS YOU, DAD!