Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Directionless Ramblings Повернуть на север, на Мэйн-стрит

The following is a totally true story...

One time when I was newly licensed 16-year-old, I got the job of driving my brother Nate to his friend's house.   Despite me having been there a million times before, it was my first time driving there myself and I was hopelessly lost.  A tad frustrated at my ineptitude, my brother seized a golden opportunity of being stopped at a stop sign and jumped out of the car to find his own way.  Later, when questioned about his actions he informed my parents that I have the brainpower and singing voice of a dying cow and that he couldn't stand another second of me taking another wrong turn while I sang along to Madonna and Paula Abdul. 

While that incident firmly emblazoned me with the title of being the family driving idiot, I hate to admit that this problem of mine is far more than a simple issue of being directionally challenged.  It's actually a deep-down, brain-cell-missing kind of idiocy.

You see for being someone who likes to pretend to be somewhat intelligent,  I never really caught on to the north, south, east, west school of thought.  It's great on maps and such, but I'm pretty sure there is no practical application for it in my every day life.  You tell me to turn north on a certain street and it will mean no more to me than if you said, "Повернуть на север, на Мэйн-стрит".   You talk to me about the inner and outer loop of the Capital beltway and I immediately think of that stupid striped belt I have that doesn't fit me anymore. 

And pity the innocent fool who rolls down their window to ask me, a decade long Washingtonian, the directions to some simple landmark.  I will either babble incoherently like a foreign tourist that I can't quite remember which way it is or else will confidently give them directions then realize 2 minutes later that I missed telling them an important turn.  

Being as experienced as I am at getting myself and others lost, I'm actually pretty surprised that they never asked me to guest star on  LOST.  



Lara said...

Charlene, If you're reading this, I just wanted to let you know that I wrote this post this morning long before I gave you directions tonight. I worried myself silly the whole way through the concert thinking that I'd somehow led you astray and you'd think I wrote this post because of you. My directions did work, didn't they?

Nobel Prize Committee said...

BREAKING NEWS from Stockholm:

Ms. Goold, we are pleased to inform you that you have been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize for Excellence in Journalism (Blogging Posts) for the 2010-2011 award year.

Your commentary on the timeless plight of the directionally challenged is universally appreciated by almost half of the earth's population.

Please complete the attached application and submit with your latest curriculae vitae.

Per Malmson

Lara said...

Thanks for the encouraging words...DAD. No blog post of mine will win any awards other than the GPA (Goofy Post Award).

Jocelyn Christensen said...

Now that would have been a good episode!!! :)

I've given you a blog award! (woohoo...)

K said...

I love the Russian phrase you used! Do you know what it means? (o: Anywho, funny post Lara.

Mirien said...

You better move to Utah. I was terrible with directions in Indiana where I grew up--north, south, whatever. Just tell me left or right. But that changed when we moved to Utah--now I have the mountains! I feel so smart here--it's been good for my directionally challenged ego.

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