Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Random Reflections

It's 9:30.  The kids are supposed to be sleeping, but instead of the sounds of silence I keep hearing little snippets of happy conversation.  I am glad that they're so friendly with each other that sleeping seems like such an annoying interruption to their conversations, but I'm already dreading the "I'm-tired" fuss they'll put up as they do their morning chores tomorrow.   Since it's Spring Break this week, I don't have the heart to scold them with much fervor, so instead I  keep calling meek little "Time to stop talking and go to bed," reminders through their cracked door. 

Eventually the conversations wane and the house is quiet.  I am left with only the hum of the ceiling fan and the whirring of my brain going into overdrive.  I am reflecting on how much I miss certain aspects of our PL (pre-leukemia) life.  Mostly it's just the simple little things, like being all together under one roof and planning meals and cooking dinner for my family.   Inside I know that a day will come when our family achieves a sense of normalcy again, but tonight I am left wondering what that normal will feel like.   

Then my mind wanders again...

Although I recognize that our family has been blessed in countless ways over the last few months, I've caught myself getting grumpy and complaining a little more lately.  I could attribute it to not getting enough sleep.  Or monthly hormones.  Or being sequestered to the hospital room.  But in reality, although those are contributing factors, the fact of the matter is is that I am human.  For the most part, we have not felt despair, nor have we dwelt on the unknowns or the negatives of our paths, but even still, I continue to have bad days here or there.  It does not mean our faith is shaken.  It does not mean that God isn't answering our prayers.  It simply means that we are weak.  We know without a doubt that God has been guiding us every step of this journey and I hope that by sharing our hard moments here or there, that no one ever doubts the solidity of our faith. 

Throughout this journey we truly have felt the presence of  ministering angels, both heavenly and earthly.  Through these angels we have been the beneficiary of many blessings that we will never forget.  Long-lost friendships have been rekindled.  Distant relatives have drawn nearer.  We've been showered with meals and thoughtful gifts.  Countless words of encouragement have been heaped upon us.  And we truly feel the power of prayer sustaining us these hard days.  Your prayers.  We feel YOUR prayers and we will be ever grateful that you have not let us forget the goodness of God's great plan

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UPDATE: 
  • Spence's ANC is 0, which means now it's just a waiting game for his counts to pick back up again. 
  • His platelets are (20), hemoglobin is (8), both low, but not quite low enough for transfusions yet. 
  • The fact that it's Spring Break this week means he's getting visitors again!  :)   Even better....I got  visitors (and treats) today too!  (Thanks Charlene, Heather, and Jenny!)
  • If all goes as planned, we'll get taken off isolation tomorrow.  Hopefully that means there will be no need to pace across the room and back  anymore. 
  • We are 98% sure that we are NOT going to do the bone marrow transplant.  It has been a difficult decision making process, but all three of us feel like we have found the peace that we were seeking.   This means that he has just 1-2 more rounds of chemo before this is all done!!!!! 

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I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to hear children's voices being lifted up in song, so instead of a quote, tonight I will share this song that has touched my soul in a very real way lately. 


I truly do believe that God is a God of miracles. 

4 comments:

Steve-Rosanna said...

Thank you so much Lara for sharing the journey of faith and courage that you are experiencing. Mom and I are in total awe over the strength of your faith. Although there are a relative few who may doubt or not understand the depth of your faith-it is obvious that they are clueless.

And after feeling the emotion of your testimony, we were absolutely floored watching the music video that you included. Amazingly powerful the sweet voices of children raised in praise. Wow!

Ashley said...

Lara ~ you are so amazing and strong! I appreciate the feelings you shared in this post. You are human and we all have tough days and knowing that you have them too helps me! What's funny is I truly feel so much love for you and I don't really even know you. My heart is so full and I smiled so big when I read that you are NOT going to do the transplant. I don't know why but it just made me sigh in relief. I know a lot of struggle and wrestle went into that decision and I'm glad to hear all 3 of you have found peace.
Thoughts and prayers continually with you and your family! Take care!

K said...

I had just heard that song on FB and thought it was such a sweet song. I also love hearing children singing praises!

Does this mean Spence may be out of the hospital and done with chemo by the time we arrive in town? That would be so exciting!

clarsen said...

You are allowed to be grumpy. Hang in there. Our thoughts and prayers are with you guys!

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