Sunday, May 3, 2009

Helpful Advice

When I sit down, I fall asleep. It's just an inescapable part of who I am. I attribute it to my early morning seminary days when I had to catch a little snooze whenever the opportunity arose. French class was where I first discovered this, um, gift. It was right after lunch and it didn't matter what anti-napping method I used, every single day my cheek would end up in a pile of drool on the cold desktop.

I used to struggle staying awake during church too. In fact there was a day when you could glance at the Crain pew during sacrament meeting and see all eight of us kids sound asleep. Little ones strewn on the floor and across laps and older kids (like me) with heads bobbing and eyes rolling. My mom and dad didn't mind at all, or even notice for that matter, since they were also snoozing.
I'd like to think I inherited my extreme napping skills from my mother, who as you can see here can
fall sound asleep even in a metal folding chair.

As a parent I've done my best to avoid the sacrament meeting napping fest for my family and as a good citizen I try hard to make sure that no one around us could ever fall asleep either. It's just this civic duty I feel towards others.

Usually we just try to make sure that at least one of the kids has to take a potty break somewhere in the middle of sacrament meeting. Two consecutive trips is even better. It breaks up the routine and makes just enough noise to make sure none of the people in the 4 closest pews could possibly stay asleep.

Lately, though we noticed that some people several rows away were still snoozing through our antics so we decided we needed to take our public service to the next level.

Take last week for instance. While digging through the church bag for a crayon Ellie pulls out a tampon, unwraps it, and holds it high over her head and says a little too loudly, "What's this Mommy?" I was so proud of her. I couldn't have planned a better giggle inducer, sleep avoiding gesture myself.

Ever the competitor, Adam, could not be outdone by his younger sister. Today he decided a shriek, a gush of blood dripping on the floor, and a mad dash to the bathroom five minutes into sacrament meeting would do just the trick in making sure that even the Bishop wasn't sleeping today. After taking care of Adam's newly opened gap in his mouth and totally missing Spencer being sustained as a Teacher, an older guy came and slipped us some money (I'm not making this up). At first we thought he was trying to bribe us to change seats and couldn't believe he thought we could be bought for a mere dollar.
Then he informed us that kids who lose teeth during church get "special" money from the tooth fairy and presented us with a bow tie shaped dollar bill to slip under his pillow tonight.

Wow! What luck. Not only did we succeed in our mission to keep the ward awake, but we also made money on the deal. Sweet!

Now we need something really good for next week...any ideas?


K said...

That's quite a job you've undertaken. Glad you are able to do such a superb job keeping fellow church members awake. You are very funny Lara!

I can't believe Adam got a special bow tie dollar from losing his tooth at church.

annalisa said...

that is hilarious! i was laughing my head off:) you are definitely doing a good job on entertaining the ward members!

Steve-Rosanna said...

It is definitely a "Crain" thing. For years I could count on an elbow in the ribs from Mom every time I nodded off in Sacrament meeting. Now more often than not, I will wake up and look over and see Mom's chin on her chest. Our neighbors behind us must wonder why we are always so tired. Maybe we are just "old".

After almost four years as ward clerk sitting up front of everyone I actually nodded off during the passing of the sacrament last week and woke up to find the bishop and counselor smiling at me and the drool on my tie. I was so totally embarrassed.


Denise said...

I love knowing that I am not alone in this need to keep the others around us awake.

Katie spent the entire service bugging the family next to us..and Troy's only comment was, "Let her go, their kid did that same thing to us all last year."

Is your husband a help or a hindrance to your cause?

Charlene said...

LOL!!! Thanks for sharing. Unfortunately for us, being in a small branch (30people) and being a family with the youngest child in the branch, we get a lot of stares when he speaks in his quiet toddler voice!!! We don't have to try so hard, it's our gift!!:)

alexandra said...

Lara, I'm laughing so stinkin' hard right now. Having a kid unwrap a tampon at church is one of my big phobias! Couldn't have happened to a better blogger!

Honey Mommy said...

My mother in law falls asleep sitting up all the time. I don't understand it because it's definitely not in my genes!

C and Co. said...

I'll have to tell you about my cute guy/mini pad episode one day.

K said...

An idea for next week would be to have a conversation similar to Liisa's kids' in a nice loud voice. Here it is:
Alex at church during worship service, apparently paying more attention than I thought as he plays with his dinosaurs. The nice older woman speaking is quoting a story by a man. She starts the story, "When I was a boy..." Alex's head pops up, looks at the woman at the pulpit and says very loudly, "That lady used to be a man??" A rather loud and amusing discussion commences between Alex and Kirill. "Is she a boy in girl's clothes?" "How did a boy turn into a lady?"

Mirien said...

I don't know, it will be hard to top those adventures. I won't wish on you Grant's trick--he ran from the chapel and just made it out the door before throwing up in the hallway. Like you, we're all about serving others and keeping them awake. Since I was having trouble staying awake in church, I decided to have another baby to make things a little more interesting. You could always try that. Or just bring your baby "mac" to church. :)

Annette said...

You are so funny! I would like to sit behind you in church to watch all the entertainment, it would keep Jaremie awake!

If Kate found out that she would get a dollar bill bow tie, she would be forcibly pulling all her teeth out.

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