Wednesday, August 26, 2009

I Want My Money Back...

Dear "Three Wolf Moon Shirt" Makers,
I recently purchased my first Three Wolf Moon shirt (exhibit A). I was a little nervous that something with such legendary powers could possibly be on sale for $6.99, but when I read the attached promise (exhibit B) that it was genuine and would change my life forever I knew it would be worth every penny.

Click on picture to view larger.


I was most particularly interested in the weight loss, free food, and large sums of money promises. I was also secretly hoping that my blogging would go from "goofy lady with five kids and a weird sense of humor" (exhibit C) to "witty lady with a lot of insightful things to say". A tall order, but surely not beyond the realm of three wolf moon magic.

Well, where do I begin to tell you about my experiences?

First...the weight loss promise. Since the promise clearly stated "extreme weight loss" and I only have 20 pounds or so, I thought I'd offset it with a new diet of brownies and cupcakes (exhibit D). My scale broke when I stepped on it so I can't give you any solid numbers, but I'm pretty sure this promise is going great. My husband has never told me how slender and lovely I am so many times in such a short period of time.

Second...the free food. I don't really go to many fast food restaurants, so I was hoping that the promise would carry over to the grocery store instead. This one isn't going so well. Not only have I not gotten any free food, but I can't seem to leave the grocery store with less than $150 worth of stuff. To add insult to injury, I've had to go home and cook it myself. Seven times last week I had to make dinner for my family. Seven times!! What kind of magic is that? (exhibit E)

Third...the large sums of money. I did wrestle away a dollar bill from this scary guy with a gun the other day (exhibit F). That may not seem like much, but since it increased the cash in my wallet by 100% I'll give you a little leeway on that one.

Lastly and most importantly...super sweet blogging skills. I was really hoping that this would fall into the "and a host of other incredible feats that you never would have conceived of" promise, but clearly the fact that I conceived it must have made that promise null and void (exhibit G).

In short, while an intriguing experiment into the supernatural, I am officially asking for my money back. All $7.34 of it. Please send it to my New Moon Edward Fan Club fund at...

Sincerely,
Lara

6 comments:

Dad-Mom said...

We were so excited when you bought this gorgeous t-shirt and thrilled about all the powers and riches you were about to acquire. If you remember I really wanted one as well, but they didn't have one in my old, large, fat boy size.

Oh well, it is just as well as you seemed to have bought a cheap immitation knock-off. These darn Chinese/Pakistanis/Mexicans/etc. are getting so sneaky with their clever immitations of all the logos and labels.

In spite of no super powers-at least it is a cool shirt and everyone that sees you in it thinks that you are one cool "old" lady!

Amen to that!!

alexandra said...

You . . . seriously . . . bought . . . the . . . shirt?????

(At first I just thought you were a seriously stellar Photoshopper.)

Karey said...

Ha! Lara... so funny! Where on earth did you find that sign?? :)

Deanne said...

Seriously, you are too funny! Thanks for the laughs this morning. I really needed it!

And if you have a weird sense of humor, I guess I do too! I love your goofiness. =)

Lolli said...

Well, at least the shirt came through on the blogging skills. Awesome post! You crack me up!!

K said...

I've been waiting for this post for weeks. I'm sorry to hear that the powers of the shirt have not overwhelmed you the way they are supposed to. You're funny!

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