Wednesday, August 26, 2009

I Want My Money Back...

Dear "Three Wolf Moon Shirt" Makers,
I recently purchased my first Three Wolf Moon shirt (exhibit A). I was a little nervous that something with such legendary powers could possibly be on sale for $6.99, but when I read the attached promise (exhibit B) that it was genuine and would change my life forever I knew it would be worth every penny.

Click on picture to view larger.

I was most particularly interested in the weight loss, free food, and large sums of money promises. I was also secretly hoping that my blogging would go from "goofy lady with five kids and a weird sense of humor" (exhibit C) to "witty lady with a lot of insightful things to say". A tall order, but surely not beyond the realm of three wolf moon magic.

Well, where do I begin to tell you about my experiences?

First...the weight loss promise. Since the promise clearly stated "extreme weight loss" and I only have 20 pounds or so, I thought I'd offset it with a new diet of brownies and cupcakes (exhibit D). My scale broke when I stepped on it so I can't give you any solid numbers, but I'm pretty sure this promise is going great. My husband has never told me how slender and lovely I am so many times in such a short period of time.

Second...the free food. I don't really go to many fast food restaurants, so I was hoping that the promise would carry over to the grocery store instead. This one isn't going so well. Not only have I not gotten any free food, but I can't seem to leave the grocery store with less than $150 worth of stuff. To add insult to injury, I've had to go home and cook it myself. Seven times last week I had to make dinner for my family. Seven times!! What kind of magic is that? (exhibit E)

Third...the large sums of money. I did wrestle away a dollar bill from this scary guy with a gun the other day (exhibit F). That may not seem like much, but since it increased the cash in my wallet by 100% I'll give you a little leeway on that one.

Lastly and most importantly...super sweet blogging skills. I was really hoping that this would fall into the "and a host of other incredible feats that you never would have conceived of" promise, but clearly the fact that I conceived it must have made that promise null and void (exhibit G).

In short, while an intriguing experiment into the supernatural, I am officially asking for my money back. All $7.34 of it. Please send it to my New Moon Edward Fan Club fund at...



Dad-Mom said...

We were so excited when you bought this gorgeous t-shirt and thrilled about all the powers and riches you were about to acquire. If you remember I really wanted one as well, but they didn't have one in my old, large, fat boy size.

Oh well, it is just as well as you seemed to have bought a cheap immitation knock-off. These darn Chinese/Pakistanis/Mexicans/etc. are getting so sneaky with their clever immitations of all the logos and labels.

In spite of no super powers-at least it is a cool shirt and everyone that sees you in it thinks that you are one cool "old" lady!

Amen to that!!

alexandra said...

You . . . seriously . . . bought . . . the . . . shirt?????

(At first I just thought you were a seriously stellar Photoshopper.)

Karey said...

Ha! Lara... so funny! Where on earth did you find that sign?? :)

Deanne said...

Seriously, you are too funny! Thanks for the laughs this morning. I really needed it!

And if you have a weird sense of humor, I guess I do too! I love your goofiness. =)

Lolli said...

Well, at least the shirt came through on the blogging skills. Awesome post! You crack me up!!

K said...

I've been waiting for this post for weeks. I'm sorry to hear that the powers of the shirt have not overwhelmed you the way they are supposed to. You're funny!

google analytics